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B eing aware of our emotions, our impact on others, and our strengths and weaknesses provides a great first step, but emotional intelligence by no means ends with self-awareness. Awareness of our impact on others begs the question, What, if anything, do we choose to do to control or manage our behavior? Self-control or self-management allows us to manage our frustrations, anger, fear, discouragement, and other emotions so that we achieve our goals and live our intentions. For example, if we become frustrated because of an obstacle at work and just give up on the goal, then we allow our emotions to thwart our intentions. What job doesn’t have its share of frustrations? Who doesn’t sometimes experience discouragement or defeat? How we react to and recover from such challenges separates the star performers from the ordinary performers.1 If we allow our emotions to rob us of our intentions, then we function at less than full capacity. Emotions can also hijack us from living the company values. Evidence of this appears in an article in Canadian HR Reporter, which states that anger is a threat to our corporate values because when executives lose control, they make the situation all about themselves and their anger, and they are no longer providing leadership to the company.2 Marshall Goldsmith states it another way; he says, “When you get angry you are out of control. It’s hard to lead people when you’ve lost control.”3 Leaders, however, are not the only concern. Employees who inappropriately express anger create hostile and abusive climates for their peers, resulting in more sick time, decreased productivity, and reduced organizational commitment.4 Self-control or self-management is characterized by four competencies: 1. Emotional expression, which means managing anger, stress, excite- ment, and frustration; 2. Courage or assertiveness, which means managing fear; 3. Resilience, which means managing disappointment, setbacks, or failure; and 4. Planning the tone of conversations. 34 THE EQ INTERVIEW Competency 1: Emotional Expression Consider the very conscientious manager who wants everything in his department to be right. He also believes and articulates the company’s value of treating people in a respectful manner. Yet, when someone puts a report on his desk containing errors, he gets so frustrated that he loses his temper and shouts, “I told you before that this report has to be right! Why can’t you be more careful?” This manager may be very justified in his frustration, and certainly an error-free report is an admirable goal, but the manner in which he expressed his concern isn’t likely to get a positive result. Of course, self-management or self-control is important at all levels. The customer service representative who shouts at the customer, or the coworker whose sarcasm brings down her peers, or the production worker who withholds information for the next shift in an effort to “get even,” all create disruptions. These expressions of verbal and nonverbal warfare affect morale as well as profits. Aggression, including harassment and bullying in the workplace, has become a growing concern in the United States. This behavior, which often has tacit acceptance, diminishes organizational performance. Workdays can be lost because of abuse, which can lead to errors, increased sick leave, and lost productivity.5 But make no mistake; anger by no means presents the only example of the need for better self-management or self-control. Another example occurs when a manager sits in a meeting reluctant to speak up about a new product rollout. His concern that he’ll be labeled as a complainer if he voices his objections to the timetable renders him impotent. Yet, he knows that the timetable is unrealistic. This manager’s fear of being labeled causes serious and important information to be withheld in the decision-making process. A manager with strong self-management skills controls or manages his fear in order to articulate his concerns for the common good of the company. Another interesting example came from a large real estate development sales situation. The sales team leader, excited that he and his team were about to close on a $250 million project, was anxious to get it signed and tempted to just close the negotiations and wrap it up. However, he decided to manage his eagerness to close and just continue to listen. As he continued to listen to the clients, he was able to SELF-CONTROL OR SELF-MANAGEMENT 35 discern more of their needs. He added another $50 million to the project by managing his excitement and eagerness. And the clients felt that the solution better suited their long-term needs. Also, by spending the $50 million up front, the clients estimated that they saved more than $100 million they would have needed for future expansion. So self-control or self-management leads to improvements in morale as well as profits. It allows people to reach goals and builds relationships. It encompasses all emotions. Having self-control or selfmanagement means managing ourselves out of the rut, out of fear, out of anger, and out of disappointment, and motivates us to behave in a manner that helps us reach our goals and live our intentions. When you couple self-awareness with self-control, you have a powerful combination that forms a strong foundation for emotional intelligence. Ascertaining whether the candidate has this foundation requires the interviewer or hiring manager to use a one-two approach in the interview questions. For example, in the self-awareness section, we suggested that you ask the candidate to tell you about some situations or people that annoy her in her present (or previous) position. In this example, the candidate should give the interviewer insight about her awareness of some of her triggers. By following that question with “Tell me what you did in those situations,” the interviewer encourages the candidate to reveal her self-control or self-management skills. Questions to Assess Appropriate Emotional Expression Q: Describe some things that make you angry or frustrated at work. • Tell me what you do in those situations. Q: Describe some types of situations where you are likely to get annoyed at work. • What do you do when you get annoyed? Q: Tell me about a time when you were angry with someone at work. • What did you do? 36 THE EQ INTERVIEW Q: Has there ever been a situation at work where you said something and later regretted saying it? • Tell me about that. Q: Tell me about a time when you lost your temper at work. • What did you do? • What result did this have? Q: Tell me about a time when you had too much to do at work and it was causing you to feel stressed. • What did you do? Q: What do you do when you are feeling stressed at work? Q: Describe a stressful situation at work. • What do you do? Q: Describe a situation at work when you were very enthusiastic about something. • How did your enthusiasm affect others? Q: Describe a time when you felt excited about work. Q: When do you look forward to going to work? Q: Was there ever a time at work when you had to temper your enthusiasm for something? Q: Describe a time when you felt grateful at work. • What did you do? Q: Give me an example of when you expressed gratitude toward someone at work. KEY POINTS TO CONSIDER WHEN ASSESSING ANSWERS We know that people’s temperaments vary and that some people rarely get angry while others get excited easily. It’s also important for you, the interviewer, to realize that your own temperament will influence your interpretation of the answers. If confrontation frightens you and the candidate states that she raised an issue with someone, SELF-CONTROL OR SELF-MANAGEMENT 37 you may judge this tactic as negative and confrontational. So, prior to asking these questions, determine the cultural and job fit. For example, what may be appropriate for one job may be inappropriate for another. Be sure to put the candidate at ease, or she may be reluctant to answer these questions in a straightforward manner. Also, it’s important for you, the interviewer, to realize that anger is not negative. How we express our anger, however, can be negative. So, focus your attention on the behavioral expression of the emotion. How did the candidate express her anger or frustration? Was it productive? Did the manner in which she addressed the situation maintain a positive working relationship with the other person? Were you able to gain evidence of this based on what the candidate told you? Look for constructive ways the candidate expressed herself. Some appropriate methods would include calling the person aside and discussing the situation, asking the person whether he would be willing to discuss alternative views, discussing the situation privately with a mentor to gain advice on how best to address it, taking a cooling-off or time-out period before addressing the situation, rethinking the perspective of the situation, or separating the event from the person. Remember: look for evidence from the candidate to indicate that she manages or expresses her anger or stress in an acceptable manner. In this section, many of the questions assess anger or stress management. However, some questions ask about excitement, enthusiasm, and gratitude. Excitement, enthusiasm, and gratitude could be very positive qualities. The questions aimed at gauging these qualities help the interviewer to determine whether the candidate appropriately expresses emotion about work. Managing emotion doesn’t mean that people shouldn’t express emotion. Expressing positive feelings can generate a positive mood for others.6 Positive feelings generate a contagious environment. Expressing enthusiasm, excitement, and gratitude can bond teams and create a positive workplace culture. People display these emotions in different ways. Some individuals may express enthusiasm quietly; others may be bubbly. The point of these questions is to determine whether the candidate recognizes and behaves in a manner that allows for positive expression of emotions. The question about tempering enthusiasm is an important one. A good example came from a candidate excited about a promotion that he received. He said that he knew that a coworker interviewed for the 38 THE EQ INTERVIEW promotion and did not get the position. He said that he carefully decided not to “rub it in his face” because he knew his coworker was disappointed. He also approached the coworker and discussed the issue. The candidate’s sensitivity about the issue and his behavior demonstrated his awareness of the impact of expressing emotions. Competency 2: Courage or Assertiveness Courage in business seldom resembles the heroic impulsiveness that sometimes surfaces in life-and-death situations.7 However, courage to speak the truth, to challenge popular opinion, to say no when everyone else is saying yes, or to challenge a coworker who is taking shortcuts that put the organization at risk is a commodity in organizations that sometimes seems to be in short supply. Yet, when people exercise courage and speak up about coworkers’ behavior or about broken processes, not only does job satisfaction improve, but the system is also improved.8 Courage is defined as taking calculated risks to speak up about workplace issues, goals, and concerns that affect the organization, customer, patient, or product and doing so in a productive manner. We’re not talking about a bank teller refusing to hand over the cash at gunpoint. Instead, we want to determine whether people have the necessary courage and skill to voice counter opinions, to challenge the status quo, and to have difficult conversations. No one relishes an uncomfortable conversation, but sidestepping tough discussions can leave important issues unaddressed, creating even bigger problems.9 For leaders and managers, addressing performance or conduct problems is an essential part of the job. Yet, many managers dislike and avoid this task. In “The Managerial Moment of Truth: The Essential Step in Helping People Improve Performance,” authors Bruce Bodaken and Robert Fritz state that the inherent awkwardness of evaluating an employee’s performance may cause managers to avoid confrontation altogether, resulting in work not done right, tension among employees, and unnecessary strain on high performers.10 In management and leadership ranks, these conversations must take place. Confronting performance problems and addressing concerns with peers are also part of the job. Yet, here again, avoidance often rules. Avoidance is all about fear.11 When people do exhibit courage at work, they find a direct correlation between courage and success.12 SELF-CONTROL OR SELF-MANAGEMENT 39 A candidate’s courage should be examined for motive and method. By asking the candidate why he decided to speak up about a particular issue at a particular time, you will gain insight into the motivation behind the courage. Is the person someone who feels anointed to take other people’s issues as his own? Does he regularly fight injustice? Is the person concerned about saving face? Is his motive to protect himself? Is he speaking up because he is concerned that someone else may state his case incorrectly? Or is he speaking up to gain favor? By asking the question, the interviewer encourages the candidate to reveal information useful to the decision-making process. Assessing method also proves useful. Does the candidate speak up in a straightforward manner that engenders trust? Or does the candidate employ methods that are more divisive? Also, in what tone does the candidate speak his mind? How does he frame his issue? Questions to Assess Courage or Assertiveness Q: Tell me about a time when you spoke up about something in the workplace. • What was the issue? • Why did you speak up about it? • What did you say? • What did others think? Q: Has there ever been a situation at work where you wish you had said something in a meeting or encounter but didn’t? • Tell me about that. Q: Describe what you did the last time someone blamed you for something at work that wasn’t your fault. • What did you do? Q: Describe a time when you were right and you knew you were right, but the other party (customer, coworker, your boss) at work didn’t believe you. • What did you do? 40 THE EQ INTERVIEW Q: Tell me about a time when you felt something was unfair at work. • What did you do? Q: Tell me about a time when you knew that you were told to do something that you thought wasn’t a good idea. • What did you do? For managers or leaders: Q: Tell me about a time when you disagreed about the direction of the company or a policy. • What did you do? Q: Describe a time when you and a peer were at odds about a particular decision or direction. • What did you do? Q: Tell me about a time when your boss had a particular opinion that differed from yours. • What did you do? Q: Tell me about a time when you disagreed with a goal that you were told to achieve. • How did that go? Q: Describe a difficult performance discussion that you had with an employee. Q: Tell me about a time when you decided not to discuss an issue with an employee. • What did you consider? KEY POINTS TO CONSIDER WHEN ASSESSING ANSWERS Courage to speak up when appropriate engenders many fine qualities. Of course, recognizing how and when to speak up and when it’s best to let things go depends on the person’s role and the situation. Getting into an argument with a customer over who is right may be a huge waste of time and drive the customer away. However, speaking SELF-CONTROL OR SELF-MANAGEMENT 41 out about what is right if you’re the CFO may be a critical job function. Obviously, then, accurate analysis of the answers to these questions requires filtering them through both the job function and the situation. In advance of the interview, you’ll want to build the case for when these competencies are important. In general, though, you’ll be assessing a candidate’s likelihood of speaking up and doing so in a productive manner rather than being paralyzed by fear or inertia. Generally, these questions form an interesting balance with the questions about anger management. Usually, temperament forces people to be on one side or the other—either too assertive or not assertive enough. You’re not trying to change the person’s basic temperament, but rather determine his or her basic tendency and how he uses past experience to know how to navigate these situations. Look for answers that demonstrate that the candidate understand his basic tendencies and has taken steps to either turn up or turn down the volume on his assertiveness so that his behaviors produce the desired results with others. Also, you can determine whether the candidate has the courage to take responsibility for his environment by bringing up situations that could be improved. You can also determine if the candidate will contribute ideas and suggestions or just go along with the status quo. In a management or leadership candidate, look for excuses. Some people say they don’t confront negative behavior because they know the organization won’t back them, or because they don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, or because others will decrease productivity, or because the timing wasn’t right. Be on the lookout for answers that suggest that the candidate skirts issues. Follow-up questions that consider motive provide another layer of information. Ask, “Why did you decide to speak up?” or “Why did you consider this issue important?” or “Why did you decide not to speak up?” Again, you’ll need to assess the answers by taking into consideration the job function and the culture of the organization. Competency 3: Resilience The extent to which we keep our spirits up when things do not work out as we would have liked is resilience. Resilience means that we keep trying, even when we face obstacles. Resilience means that when 42 THE EQ INTERVIEW one door closes, we look for another door. Resilience means that we look for lessons learned when something doesn’t work out. Resilience means that we don’t give up. Some highly resilient people use failure as a launching board. They view failure as information to help them succeed at their next attempt. People high in career resilience see themselves as competent individuals who control their responses to what happens to them. They respond to obstacles and undesired events by reframing their ideas and repositioning their energies to allow them to move ahead anyway.13 When people lack resilience or optimism about achieving goals, indeed, they are less likely to achieve them.14 Personal resilience also leads to higher levels of change acceptance.15 On the contrary, people with low resilience have difficulty bouncing back from setbacks. Setbacks may paralyze or even kill any motivation to set or reach future goals. These people may change only when change is thrust upon them as the last or only alternative. People with low resilience often feel victimized by situations and express powerlessness over their future. Consider Jon, who had been unemployed for more than three years due to a downsizing. He said that he hasn’t been actively looking for a job because he knows the job market is weak in his field and that he knows of many people who are in the same boat. He said that he doubts he’ll ever recover and get a job like the one he once had. He refused company outplacement services and also turned down some retraining money. A sense of hopelessness surrounds him. As an interviewer or hiring manager, you probably won’t have to worry about Jon, because he won’t even apply for the jobs your company has to offer. But be on the lookout for less obvious cases. Maria, on the contrary, also suffered through downsizing. Although financially the situation presented a significant challenge, she decided to view this experience as an opportunity to gain some new skills. She took advantage of company and government retraining dollars. She also worked part-time at a minimum-wage job to make ends meet. Now she is excited and delighted about her future opportunities in her new field. She conveys in the interview that being downsized was the best thing that ever happened to her. She convinces the interviewer that she is passionate and eager to make a contribution. She gets the job! Maria did not give up, and that resilience came through in her behaviors following the downsizing. SELF-CONTROL OR SELF-MANAGEMENT 43