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Jenny Gould Overcoming Perfectionism Download free ebooks at bookboon.com 2 Overcoming Perfectionism © 2012 Jenny Gould & Ventus Publishing ApS ISBN 978-87-403-0043-7 Download free ebooks at bookboon.com 3 Overcoming Perfectionism Contents Contents Introduction 7 1 What is Perfectionism? 9 1.1 What do we mean by the term ‘perfectionism’? 9 1.2 The Healthy Achiever v. The Perfectionist 10 1.3 The Development of Perfectionism 10 1.4 Parental Influence 11 1.5 Gifted Children 12 1.6 The Need for Control 12 1.7 Obsessions and Compulsions 13 2 The Different Types of Perfectionism 15 2.1 General Personality Traits of the Perfectionist 15 3 How Much of a Perfectionist are You? 18 3.1 Assessing Your Perfectionism 18 3.2 Costs versus Benefits 20 3.3 Cost Benefit Assessment 21 Please click the advert Fast-track your career Masters in Management Stand out from the crowd Designed for graduates with less than one year of full-time postgraduate work experience, London Business School’s Masters in Management will expand your thinking and provide you with the foundations for a successful career in business. The programme is developed in consultation with recruiters to provide you with the key skills that top employers demand. Through 11 months of full-time study, you will gain the business knowledge and capabilities to increase your career choices and stand out from the crowd. London Business School Regent’s Park London NW1 4SA United Kingdom Tel +44 (0)20 7000 7573 Email mim@london.edu Applications are now open for entry in September 2011. For more information visit www.london.edu/mim/ email mim@london.edu or call +44 (0)20 7000 7573 www.london.edu/mim/ Download free ebooks at bookboon.com 4 Please click the advert Contents 4 The Effect of Perfectionism on our Lives 23 4.1 The Drive for Achievement 23 4.2 Body Image and Health 23 4.3 Social Life 24 4.4 Relationships 25 5 Stress, Worry and Anxiety 27 5.1 Perfectionism and Stress 27 5.2 Perfectionism, Worry and Anxiety 32 6 Perfectionism at Work 36 6.1 How Does Perfectionism Show Itself at Work? 36 6.2 Perfectionism and Leadership 39 7 Changing Your Perfectionistic Thinking 40 7.1 How our Beliefs Develop 40 7.2 Irrational Thinking 41 7.3 Changing Thinking Habits 42 7.5 Modifying your ‘Demanding’ Thinking 43 7.6 Thought Stopping 44 7.8 Accepting your Fallibility! 45 You’re full of energy and ideas. And that’s just what we are looking for. © UBS 2010. All rights reserved. Overcoming Perfectionism Looking for a career where your ideas could really make a difference? UBS’s Graduate Programme and internships are a chance for you to experience for yourself what it’s like to be part of a global team that rewards your input and believes in succeeding together. Wherever you are in your academic career, make your future a part of ours by visiting www.ubs.com/graduates. www.ubs.com/graduates Download free ebooks at bookboon.com 5 Overcoming Perfectionism Contents 8 Changing Your Behaviour 47 8.1 Becoming desensitised 47 8.2 Becoming Less Driven 48 8.3 Improving your Communication 49 8.6 Dealing with criticism 52 8.7 Stop Procrastinating, Start Prioritising 54 8.8 Making Decisions 55 8.9 Reclaiming your Life 56 9 Strategies for Life 61 9.1 Enjoying Your Work 61 9.2 Becoming a More Effective Leader 62 9.3 Working for a Perfectionist 65 9.4 Improving your Relationships 66 9.5 Overcoming social anxiety 9.6 Living with a Perfectionist Please click the advert References 360° thinking . 360° thinking 67 68 . 71 360° thinking . Discover the truth at www.deloitte.ca/careers © Deloitte & Touche LLP and affiliated entities. Discover the truth at www.deloitte.ca/careers © Deloitte & Touche LLP and affiliated entities. Download free ebooks at bookboon.com © Deloitte & Touche LLP and affiliated entities. Discover the truth6at www.deloitte.ca/careers © Deloitte & Touche LLP and affiliated entities. D Overcoming Perfectionism Introduction Introduction We live in a world where the pace of life is phenomenal. We have to work harder, faster, more efficiently, longer hours and with less job security than ever before. This environment is a very difficult one for the perfectionist, who is driven not so much by the desire for success, but by the fear of failure and need for control. They have unrealistic expectations of themselves (possibly others too) and feel they can never achieve enough and never be good enough. They feel unable to bask in the pleasure of achievement or really enjoy their relationships. I hope this book will give you a real insight into the subject, and help you understand yourself and others better. You will learn how to think differently and how to behave differently. With this increased self-awareness, a real desire to change and some tools to help you, you can overcome crippling perfectionism. Author Profile Jenny Gould is a stress management consultant, trainer, executive & life coach, cognitive behavioural and clinical hypnotherapist. She has provided coaching, training and therapy to people from all walks of life, including senior business people, celebrities and those in the media. Jenny is also a writer, speaker and broadcaster, regularly appearing on TV and radio as an expert contributor on a range of subjects, in particular on the issue of stress. She has a monthly slot on BBC Radio Oxford as their resident ‘Agony Aunt’. A lively, warm and engaging speaker, Jenny’s talks are thought provoking, inspiring and entertaining. Through her company, The STP Consultancy, Jenny offers stress management advice and training to companies and organisations of all sizes. She has had many years experience herself as a senior manager in the corporate sector, and has expertise in the management and development of individuals and teams. An experienced and sought after trainer, she runs training courses on subjects such as stress, conflict, assertiveness, dealing with difficult people etc for organisations large and small. She is also a trainer for Relate ‘the relationship people.’ Download free ebooks at bookboon.com 7 Overcoming Perfectionism Introduction Having a life-long interest in personal development, Jenny is passionate about people and their potential. In all of her work she seeks to encourage and motivate others to believe in themselves, to get the very best out of life. She brings to her role a wealth of experience, allowing her to work successfully with people on a wide range of issues. Jenny has a private practise in Oxford, England, and works with her international clients via email, phone and Skype. Jenny Gould MISMA MAC MNCH (Acc) www.cbtoxford.co.uk www.thestpconsultancy.co.uk Email: jennygould3@btinternet.com +44 1235 550534 +44 7771 881435  http://www.facebook.com/jennygouldtherapy https://twitter.com/#!/jennygouldSTP  CDs dedicated to help you conquer stress and live more happily: “Relax Now: Simple Powerful Relaxation Techniques for Busy People” “Life Coaching to New Horizons” Download free ebooks at bookboon.com 8 Overcoming Perfectionism What is Perfectionism? 1 What is Perfectionism? 1.1 What do we mean by the term ‘perfectionism’? It seems that experts can’t agree on an exact definition, however if it were only about achieving high standards then the perfectionist would feel great, but the truth is they often feel far from great. That’s because the goals of the perfectionist are either unachievable or achievable only at great personal cost. Dr David Burns, clinical psychiatrist and well known author of many books including “Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy” defined perfectionists as people “whose standards are way beyond reach or reason” and “who strain compulsively and unremittingly toward impossible goals and who measure their worth entirely in terms of productivity and accomplishment”. Their main drive is to avoid failure. If you don’t fail or make mistakes then you aren’t really living your life. Let’s face it, it would make you a pretty unpleasant person to be around if you could achieve perfection! Being authentic, keeping it real, warts and all, is what connects us with other people. The same characteristic that brings success and respect can leave perfectionists feeling dissatisfied and unhappy. They relentlessly strive for extremely high standards and judge their self-worth largely on their ability to achieve such unrelenting standards. They feel unable to bask in the pleasure of achievement or really enjoy their relationships.  ³3HUIHFWLRQLVPLVWKHYRLFHRIWKHRSSUHVVRUWKHHQHP\RIWKHSHRSOH,WZLOONHHS \RXFUDPSHGDQGLQVDQH\RXUZKROHOLIHDQGLVWKHPDLQREVWDFOHEHWZHHQ\RXDQG WKDWVKLWW\ILUVWGUDIW,WKLQNSHUIHFWLRQLVPLVEDVHGRQWKHREVHVVLYHEHOLHIWKDWLI\RX UXQFDUHIXOO\HQRXJKKLWWLQJHDFKVWHSSLQJVWRQHMXVWULJKW\RXZRQ¶WKDYHWRGLH 7KHWUXWKLVWKDW\RXZLOOGLHDQ\ZD\DQGWKDWDORWRISHRSOHZKRDUHQ¶WHYHQORRNLQJ DWWKHLUIHHWDUHJRLQJWRGRDZKROHORWEHWWHUWKDQ\RXDQGKDYHPRUHIXQZKLOH WKH\¶UHGRLQJLW´$QQ/DPRWW³%LUGE\%LUG6RPH,QVWUXFWLRQVRQ:ULWLQJDQG/LIH´ At worst it can lead to depression, severe stress, chronic relationship problems, alcoholism, eating disorders and many other health problems. Of course, as with all personality traits there are degrees of perfectionism, and it manifests itself in a variety of different ways as we will discover in later chapters. We live in a culture whose values seem to re-enforce and encourage this way of thinking and behaving. That coupled with the fact that perfectionism starts very early in life means we get used to the discomfort and don’t consider it to be in any way dysfunctional. We just know life isn’t giving us the fulfilment we seek, but we can’t put our finger on why that is, so we just get on with it. Perfectionism causes so much unhappiness, but when you finally accept it’s impossible to control everything - it really is liberating! With increased self-awareness and understanding, a real desire to change and some tools to help you, you can overcome crippling perfectionism. Download free ebooks at bookboon.com 9 Overcoming Perfectionism What is Perfectionism? 3HUIHFWLRQLVWVUHOHQWOHVVO\VWULYHIRUXQUHDOLVWLFDOO\KLJKVWDQGDUGV 7KHLUPDLQGULYHLVWRDYRLGIDLOXUH 1.2 The Healthy Achiever v. The Perfectionist So, the perfectionist’s overwhelming concern is about avoiding failure, disapproval and rejection. That is quite different from the individual with high standards, with a healthy desire to achieve and be successful, but who knows that things don’t always work out as well as they hoped. These healthy high achievers accept they won’t always get it right; instead they learn from their mistakes and move on. Perfectionism can be a definite obstacle to success, not just due to high levels of anxiety and chronic stress, but because of the time and energy spent on less important tasks. Perfectionists feel their work is never complete, never quite good enough. Because they fear disapproval and rejection more than anything, all activities tend to be equally important , whether it be a simple email or a major project, and this can lead to procrastination and indecision. In fact perfectionists probably reach their potential less often than their equally able peers. Both healthy achievers and perfectionists have high personal standards, but failing to meet those standards is more stressful for the latter than for the former. The Healthy Achiever: • Sets high standards which challenge and stretch them • Is not overly concerned about making mistakes Sees it as part and parcel of the learning process • Learns from failure. May feel disappointment but moves on quickly • No-one enjoys criticism or disapproval, but they don’t let it affect their sense of themselves • They see feedback as something they can learn from. The Perfectionist: • Never really satisfied with their work; it never feels completely finished • Standards are unrealistically high and unlikely to be attained. • Finds criticism very difficult, even distressing • A mistake can affect their self-worth and lessen confidence in their ability • Can become defensive and over-emotional when they discover a mistake • Often feels anxious or worried about being ‘good enough’ Download free ebooks at bookboon.com 10