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66 true north groups YOUNG PRESIDENTS’ ORGANIZATION NORMS MAKE THE FORUM GO In our research, we discovered that the groups with the most explicit norms are created by the Forum of the Young Presidents’ Organization. This is a global group of chief executive officers under fifty who run organizations with annual revenues greater than $5 million and more than forty employees. YPO chapters of up to one hundred members exist in most major cities in the United States and around the world. Members pay $7,000 to $10,000 annually to belong to YPO and to participate in its local, national, and international meetings. Presidents conclude their membership when they reach their fiftieth birthday, but many join an organization of YPO alumni so they can keep their relationships alive and continue to learn. In the 1970s, some California members wanted to have a place and time to talk about personal and family issues, so they created the Forum, an intimate, confidential, and supportive set of groups that exist within most YPO chapters. The value of these groups is evidenced by the fact that 80 to 90 percent of YPO members participate in a Forum. Similar Forum groups have been formed for about 40 percent of YPO spouses, and additional ones have been created for the adult children of members. YPO members may remain in their Forum group past their fiftieth birthday, which provides a sense of history and continuity. At monthly Forum meetings, members start by giving brief updates on their lives, which may lead to an initial discussion topic that evolves from issues shared by the members. The Forum facilitator, who is also a member of the group, keeps a “parking lot” of issues of interest that arose during prior meetings, when there was insufficient time to discuss them. norming 67 exhibit 5 True North Group Norms NORM RATIONALE Confidentiality Essential for trust and openness Openness Exploring one’s personal experiences Trust Without it, people won’t share deeply Differences Respecting others’ uniqueness Listening Active engagement with empathy Judging others Important to withhold personal opinions about others’ beliefs Feedback Providing constructive suggestions Attendance Essential for group unity Ron Kirscht shares why Forum groups have been so valuable to him and his fellow YPO members: “Leading an organization can be a lonely experience. There are decisions only you can make and responsibilities only you can fulfill.” He continues, It is sometimes hard to confide in your coworkers or with friends in your immediate community about a challenge you’re facing or a tough decision you have to make. That is even more the case in my personal life. My peers in our Forum group understand where I’m coming from because they face many of the same kinds of issues. 68 true north groups Several years ago, Kirscht faced a personal tragedy when his sister was murdered. His Forum group provided him a safe haven for sharing his feelings about this experience. He says, “It was too raw for me to have my coworkers and neighbors know much about this tragedy and how deeply I was affected.” He continues, In my Forum group I could bare my soul. I talked about my fears, frustrations, and feelings, and knew I would be totally supported by the members of my group. I could share all the craziness that was inside me during this time. You can’t run a company and talk like that with your employees. My group helped me think through my feelings and explore the pain. It was of great value in a situation I couldn’t share at the office. Forum groups have up to ten members. If the number falls to seven or fewer due to moves or resignations, new members are proposed by the YPO officer in charge of Forums. If the number falls to five, two small Forums may be merged. These groups meet for four hours per month, with the location rotated among members’ places of business each month. Typically, meetings begin with lunch on the same afternoon as the YPO chapter’s dinner meeting. This represents a significant commitment of time on the part of busy presidents. Their continuing involvement is a clear indicator of the value of these groups. Ron Kirscht elaborated on his group’s benefits, saying, “These people act as my board of advisors. I bring them pending decisions and they point out my blind spots and flaws in the ideas. Usually, someone in the group who has had a similar experience will steer me in the right direction.” Kirscht describes one feedback process his group uses: “Meetings begin with each of us going around the circle norming 69 saying out loud if we are ‘good’ with each of the other members. If I’m not, I have to bring the issue up at the outset with everyone there by telling the other member what the issue is. We don’t try to fix the issue then. We just tell them, and that’s the end of it.” Research conducted by YPO headquarters indicates that the Forum process has led to organization-wide norms. All Forum groups are led by a member facilitator who volunteers for a fixed period, normally one year. Forum members are trained in performing this role, and everyone is expected to accept this responsibility on a rotating basis. Members also undergo two days of training in group etiquette, effective listening, and meeting protocols. Each member signs a confidentiality agreement and a conflict of interest statement, agreeing to avoid doing business with each other. Each Forum group may have additional rules and norms they have determined are necessary for their particular group, but the preferred mode is to avoid too much structure that inhibits comfort and satisfaction. Privacy and confidentiality are crucial in the Forum. Some groups have a rule known by the code name Attila the Hun. If a member declares a topic to be Attila the Hun, it may never be brought up outside the group and may only be mentioned in a regular meeting by the originating member. In screening potential members for his Forum group, Kim Culp says, “In order for the group to be valuable to you, you need committed partners.” He adds, To get busy executives to commit to four hours a month plus two annual retreats, we need to be discerning about their level of commitment. When we add new members, we always add two at a time. Coming into an existing group can be a challenge, so we bring two so they don’t feel like lone wolves. We prefer to have their first experience at a retreat, to provide extra 70 true north groups time to connect and get to know the others. Then they have ample time to share their stories and to learn the dos and don’ts of the group. Both Culp and Kirscht have found their group experiences to be excellent learning opportunities. “I’ve received great insights into my personality,” says Culp. He adds, The group holds a mirror up so you can see yourself as others do. You also realize you aren’t the only one with your concerns and issues. Happiness has no connection to the balance sheet. We all have problems with our kids and our spouses. So you come to realize it is a more level playing field than you thought. I have received excellent insights about my style. These days I’m much less likely to have my anger flare than I was fifteen years ago. Kirscht states, “The group has helped me keep little things from becoming big ones. I have a place to get things off the table before they build up and cause a mess. It has taught me to face into issues sooner than I used to, which eliminates that stress that comes from procrastinating.” DEVELOPING YOUR GROUP’S NORMS Based on our own experiences with groups and research into other groups, we believe it is essential for groups to establish explicit norms at the time the group is formed. This matter is far too important to assume that positive norms will evolve implicitly over time. In the absence of explicit group ground rules, some members may assume certain norms are in place while others feel no need to observe them. In Bill’s MBA classes at Harvard Business School, group norming 71 members sign a member contract at the first official session. The contract is similar to the True North Group contract (Resource 4) and includes specific ground rules covering openness, trust, confidentiality, respect, tolerance, and feedback. These explicit norms are closely interrelated. For example, before it is reasonable to expect group members to be open about highly personal matters, they must trust other members to treat as confidential (even from spouses) the issues discussed within the group. In this regard, Dr. Kathryn Williams observes, “All members should express their support of the confidentiality norm, as it seems to be the most crucial in predicting group survival. Without strict confidentiality, trust and bonding among group members will not happen.” Exhibit 5 summarizes why each of the seven norms is so important and how they are interrelated. In the case of the Harvard Business School groups, we are unaware of any confidentiality breaches, which has been essential to their success. Students amaze themselves with how they can feel comfortable being so open. As one woman said, “I am sharing things in my group, with people I just met a few weeks ago, that I have never shared with anyone in my life, not even my parents.” We recommend that True North Groups develop their own contract in their first official meeting, with all members signing it as an indication of their commitment. By being explicit about the behaviors expected in interactions among group members, the group is much more likely to be able to sustain its success and delve deeply into the things that matter most to its members. Architect John Cuningham comments on the importance of process norms: “We have developed a simple card, which I send out every January.” He explains, The card includes meeting dates and the facilitator for each week, with names, phone numbers, e-mails, and 72 true north groups birth dates on the back. It helps to refer to the card and realize that you have the program in two weeks and have to prepare your topic for the group. We keep notepads at our meeting place to write responses to the questions and then compare our answers. This has enabled us to build up a rich collection of past programs and questions we explored. BUILDING CHEMISTRY WITHIN YOUR GROUP Having the right members is a necessary but not sufficient condition for a True North Group. It is equally important that group members develop a high level of mutual respect within the group. Attorney David Dustrad talks about how his group was formed and why it is still together after twenty years. “We call our group of six ‘the guys’,” he says. “Our roots go back to our postcollege years.” He explains, In forming the group, we recognized the need for connection to peers who could hold us accountable and with whom we could share struggles and challenges and celebrate the good things that were happening as well. What keeps us together is that we hold each other in such high regard. There isn’t a guy in the group I don’t look up to. We admire each other’s leadership qualities and moral character, despite differences about current topics. There is a high level of moral integrity around the table. For nonprofit executive Joe Cavanaugh, “In building the chemistry of your group, it is important that all your members adopt more subtle norms, like active listening, being present for others, demonstrating humility, and being norming 73 mindful. You also have to bring yourself to the table — to participate and be appropriately vulnerable, sharing your warts and all. This is not work you can do by yourself.” Cavanaugh offers an interesting insight when he observes, “Most men I know don’t need a small group to get charged up and ready for battle.” He adds, Rather, they need a safe place to return from battle with their wounds — a place where they can be healed. I meet regularly with a group of guys that say, “If you fall flat on your face, come back, and we will be there for you.” When I listen to my wife and female friends speak about their women’s groups, it seems they have a different need. They look for other women to tell them, “Go into battle. You can do it.” What they may need from their small group is courage and women who push them into battle and cheer them on when they succeed. Venture capitalist Gary Smaby talks about how his group formed and developed bonds between members. He observes, “It’s a completely personal choice as to whether one makes a commitment to participate.” He continues, Initially, everyone was feeling the group out to make sure that the chemistry was right. We were all trying to determine whether it was worth the energy to join. Each of us was incredibly busy in our own realm. Eventually, we all reached the same conclusion. We were forming a unique group of peers. Every member offered a fresh, informed perspective, drawn from rich yet diverse experiences. And all had the capacity to lead. That’s what enabled us to grow exponentially in the early stages. 74 true north groups On the other hand, businessman Jack Sell cautions, “Successful groups require mutual trust that can develop into respect and affection. People who are not respectful, not lifelong learners, or not open to learning from others won’t be willing to stay in a group like this. In a sense, this becomes self-governing.” ADDITIONAL NORMS TO STRENGTHEN YOUR GROUP Experience has shown that True North Groups are most effective when they operate as a peer group without any hierarchy. Having the members sit in a circle with no large table in the middle and no assigned seats is a good start. Avoiding titles is another. Although one of you has to be the organizer during the start-up phase, try hard to minimize this role as soon as possible. We recommend that each group conduct an annual assessment (see Resource 8), followed by a discussion among group members. In part, this ensures that the norms in the member contract are reviewed, reinforced, and changed as needed. It also opens up the discussion about whether all members are getting the benefits they want. It provides an opportunity to address any norms that may be inhibiting member satisfaction. Another useful norm is the adoption of regular retreats. In Chapter 3 we described the benefits of having a retreat for the first official group meeting. If that doesn’t occur, then the group should hold a retreat within the first six months. Retreats are the fastest and best way for the group to bond and build trust. Overnight retreats are preferable, as group activities and the fun of preparing and sharing meals create opportunities for building relationships and breaking down barriers. Another option is to have a full one-day retreat in a quiet setting. See Resource 9 for additional ideas on retreats. norming 75 Once the group is formed and membership is stable, the group should develop a process for adding new members (see Resource 10). It is helpful to establish new member criteria that will be referenced by members when proposing someone new. New members can bring fresh ideas and experiences into a group that otherwise could become too predictable and too settled. Nevertheless, people are often concerned that new members may change the group’s chemistry. As Karen Radtke notes, “Once groups bond, they become reluctant to add new members because they create changes and take time to integrate.” She describes her group’s approach: We put an empty chair in the circle that we keep open for the next new member. We believe it keeps the group alive and vital by filling that chair from time to time. When someone leaves the group, we have a norm to find a replacement and have only one empty chair. John Curtiss, CEO of The Retreat, describes the process his group uses to add new members. “If we decide to add a new member, several of us will bring names to the meeting for discussion,” he says. People who know the individuals offer comments, where these people are in their lives, and whether they are willing to share deeply. If we decide to proceed, we invite them to come and audit a couple of sessions. After that, the group decides whether they are a good fit or not. Community volunteer Joyce McFarland notes, “We know that new members can change the dynamics of our group, so it is important for us to talk about them and meet them in person.” She adds, 76 true north groups When new members are added, they talk about what they are looking for and we share about ourselves and how we each came to the group. This can be tricky business so we take time to do it well. Bringing in a new member can really be helpful in causing us to review how the group is doing and whether it is staying true to its purpose. Early in your group’s existence, you may want to discuss any concerns about previous relationships between members. These are to be expected, given the likelihood that your initial recruiting comes primarily from prior friends. It may also be helpful to discuss the destructive nature of cliques. Frank Bennett advises that norms should be set about the kind of relationships that will be allowed between members. He asks, “Should a married couple be allowed in the group? What about a couple in a relationship? Should coworkers or relatives be in the same group? Are there any other relationships that might cause some members to feel uncomfortable?” While it may seem rather formal to adopt so many norms at the outset of the group’s life, experience has shown how important they are. Sound norms enable the group to explore important issues at a much deeper level and enable members to feel secure in opening up in the knowledge that everything will be treated confidentially. We have learned the hard way that failing to reach agreement on how the group will operate can lead to many problems down the road. Misunderstandings between group members about expected behavior within the group may even cause the group to disband. We address those issues in Chapter 5. CHAPTER 5 Storming having established the norms needed to sustain the group’s vitality, we turn our attention to the other side of the coin: behaviors that may impede your group, which we call storming. Because all of us are flawed human beings in our interactions with others, groups eventually experience a storming phase. Yet many groups fail to acknowledge the difficulties they are having. Denial is as alive and well in groups as it is in families, marriages, and other social milieus. However, it is much more constructive to address members’ concerns in a proactive manner. New groups go through a honeymoon phase when things are going smoothly and members are in harmony. Over time, irritations at how the group operates or how some members behave will inevitably grow. Storming kicks in when things are not going well, when there is tension, or when some members feel the group is not meeting their needs. Let’s look at some storming issues faced by one group and how it handled them. ADDING NEW MEMBERS CAN CAUSE A GROUP TO DISBAND Jane Cavanaugh was part of a group of professional women that had been meeting for three years. The women in this group shared deeply, the members participated fully, and no 77 78 true north groups one dominated the discussions. This led to high satisfaction among the members. When two of the members left the group due to scheduling issues, the group decided to replace them. Two new women joined. After six months, the different expectations of the new members became apparent. The original members looked to the group for discussions on topics that would enhance their personal growth and development. The new members were mostly looking for support in the personal issues they were facing. Cavanaugh notes, “It boiled down to we weren’t on the same page about what the purpose of the group was.” The original members became increasingly dissatisfied. Two of them met with the facilitator to express their concerns and to share their dissatisfaction with what was happening at the meetings — how the focus of the group seemed to have changed. “After trying to keep the group together,” says Cavanaugh, “it became apparent that the different needs of the group were incompatible, and we disbanded.” Unfortunately, this experience is not unusual. Groups often wind up dissolving rather than resolving issues directly. In this case, many people got hurt. The original members lost a good thing in their lives. The new members lost their group without ever knowing why. And the facilitator lost her job. It would have been far better to force a resolution and accept the short-term pain in order to keep the original group together. CHARACTERISTICS OF THE STORMING PHASE How will your group know it has storming issues? Usually, one of the members picks up on someone else’s complaints during or after a regular meeting. Talking behind someone’s storming 79 exhibit 6 Common Storming Problems ➢ Lack of member commitment ➢ Loss of trust among members ➢ Violations of the group’s norms and values ➢ Absence of suitable boundaries ➢ Lack of openness and sharing ➢ Dogmatism or dominating behaviors ➢ Failure to move beyond intellectual discussions ➢ Inability to confront a problem member ➢ Breach of confidentiality back is a common symptom. At first, it is useful to pursue these issues on a one-to-one basis to see whether they are serious issues or one of the members is merely letting off steam. Reaching some satisfaction of the matter off-line usually works best. Some quick calls to other members will confirm or deny whether the issue is substantial enough to bring up at the next meeting. If the issues are shared by several people, then they need a full airing. Often, just talking the issues through is sufficient to avoid more significant actions, such as forcing members to leave the group. Most storming events within groups tend to be shortlived. Either the group addresses its members’ concerns and gets healthier or the group disbands, as Cavanaugh’s group 80 true north groups did. In our research, we did not find any group that stayed together through frequent, difficult storms. CLASSIC STORMING ISSUES THAT BLOCK GROUP EFFECTIVENESS Let’s examine some of the most common issues that block group effectiveness and that can ultimately lead to the disbanding of groups (Exhibit 6). The stories that follow are true, although some have been disguised to protect confidentiality. Lack of Member Commitment One of the keys to making a group work is for everyone to observe group norms about attending all meetings and retreats, arriving on time, and staying until the meeting is over. If there are prework assignments, it is essential that they are completed in advance. Just one person who frequently misses meetings, perennially arrives late, or does not prepare in advance can destroy the harmony of the group. As we discussed in Chapter 4, Young Presidents’ Organization members are busy executives, yet the YPO Forum establishes clear norms regarding attendance, tardiness, and leaving early. Forum members strongly believe that meaningful discussions require full attendance. Hefty financial penalties are employed to reinforce these norms, and three absences in a year results in automatic expulsion. Although these penalties may seem harsh for busy people, it is important for groups to reach clear agreement and to have operative rules about attendance issues. One such rule is that any member who must be absent e-mails everyone in advance to let them know. Likewise, if members need to leave early, they inform the others at the outset of the meeting so that their departure does not come as a surprise. Clear, enforced norms make the storming process less difficult. storming 81 Loss of Trust among Members We know that trust is essential to making any group work effectively, but maintaining trust over an extended period of time is a challenge. Once lost, trust is hard to regain, as the following story illustrates. A mixed-gender group of three women and three men had been meeting smoothly for about five years. At the first meeting of the fifth year, two members joyously announced to the group that they had been dating for several months. They wanted to tell the group as they were moving from a casual relationship to a more significant one. Since their relationship went against an explicit group norm, they decided to be forthcoming. All but one person was supportive and did not feel the partnership would harm the group. The naysayer had issues with the female partner due to unresolved issues around a relationship she had with his good friend. As a result, he wasn’t sure he could trust her again. This issue was not resolved until two meetings later, when the woman offered to resign if her new partner could remain. The group agreed and has survived the incident. When trust is lost, it can sometimes be recaptured by people agreeing to meet to develop a workable solution, first in private and then with the support of the whole group. In difficult situations, it may be worthwhile to bring in a professional to mediate with the members. The goal is to reach a solution that everyone can support. Violations of the Group’s Norms and Values What happens when one member violates the group’s values? This creates a delicate situation that, if left unaddressed, can destroy the group’s harmony, as in the following example. A men’s group that had been meeting for many years was surprised that one of its members had missed three 82 true north groups consecutive meetings with no contact with anyone in the group. The person who originally sponsored him agreed to find out what was going on. At the next meeting, he reported the shocking news that this outstanding member of the community had stolen money from his clients, some of whom were close friends of the sponsor. The member was too embarrassed to face the group directly, so he asked the sponsor to sound out the others about his return. When the group discussed the situation at its next meeting, people disagreed about what to do. Several people felt the only kind thing was to accept the member back, provided he acknowledged what he had done. The sponsor, on the other hand, was firm about the need to sever relations due to the member’s unethical and illegal actions, which were revealed to go back for several years. In the end, the member was asked to leave the group. In spite of some hard feelings over the decision, the group eventually was restored. Although the supportive nature of True North Groups emphasizes helping members through crises, some problems are simply too severe to keep the person in the group. In these cases it is better to ask the offending person to resign so that the remaining members can rebuild the group’s harmony. Absence of Suitable Boundaries While True North Groups emphasize open sharing and intimacy, groups need to establish norms on just how far that openness should go. In our experience, this is especially true when sexual matters are concerned, as the following story illustrates. A couples group that had been meeting for three years had to confront what several members felt was a boundary violation. One of the four couples chose to discuss their storming 83 “open” marriage at a group meeting at their home. The man shared that he had had several sexual relationships with other women that his wife knew about. Subsequently, his wife decided to have an intimate relationship with a coworker who was several years younger. This was simply too much for one of the women, who left the room and went into the kitchen. Another woman followed shortly thereafter. The two women talked openly about how uncomfortable they were with the discussion going on in the living room. Eventually, the entire group migrated into the kitchen. When the man who started the discussion appeared, one of the husbands lost his temper and accused him of using the term open marriage as a cover for his promiscuity. The group never recovered the closeness its members had experienced previously. Two years later, it disbanded when one couple moved out of town. This example illustrates the importance of placing some reasonable limits on the subjects that groups talk about. It also demonstrates the importance of creating boundary conditions regarding the line between openness and excessive intimacy. These limits will differ from group to group, depending on the comfort level of its members around certain topics. The issue of sex is especially sensitive in mixedgender and couples groups. Lack of Openness and Sharing On the other hand, a lack of openness also can cause a group to fall apart, especially if the group has agreed to share openly about personal matters. One of Bill’s Harvard groups encountered precisely this problem. Five of the six members of the group shared their life stories and crucibles openly. When the group went around the circle, the sixth person always elected to pass rather than to share personally. Two of 84 true north groups the women got frustrated, feeling that this member was acting like a voyeur. They eventually left the group and decided to meet on their own. When Bill learned what was happening, he invited all six students to his office. After the women described the situation, the man said that in his home country people rarely shared openly. Bill noted that the member had signed the members’ contract committing to be open, and observed that several other students from the same country had no trouble in sharing. The male student agreed to give it another try. The group resumed meeting weekly with much greater success after talking through their differences, as the man finally opened up. This example illustrates the importance of all members of a group being in agreement about how the group’s discussions will proceed. If they fail to enforce that norm, the group may disintegrate as its participants become increasingly frustrated. Dogmatism or Dominating Behaviors In order to have full participation and a balanced discussion, it is essential not to let anyone dominate the discussion or be dogmatic in their opinions. Having one person who dominates the discussion and refuses to listen or to respect different points of view can destroy a group. Delia Seeberg, legal assistant in a law firm, describes a stormy situation in her group. She says, After we had been meeting awhile, one of our members was more interested in taking the discussions in a direction the rest of us had no interest in. She was very forceful and at times refused to respect the opinions of other members. We finally decided to confront her, storming 85 suggesting that this group was not going to meet her needs. After she left the group, we returned to more balanced discussions among the remaining members. Kim Culp shared a similar situation from his YPO Forum. He explains, “We have had dominant people that joined our group whom we had to ask to leave or help them understand their behavior was not appropriate.” In our experience, there is only one way to deal with people who are attempting to dominate a group: confront them and insist that they back off and let others talk more equally. Even if they agree, it is often difficult for domineering people to control their behavior. Thus, it is up to the facilitator to keep these people in check by asking them to hold back while other participants share their stories. This can be an important learning experience for a dominant personality. Failure to Move beyond Intellectual Discussions In small groups it is often easier to have intellectual discussions than it is for the group to discuss personal issues. If this is permitted to continue, people who are looking for personal growth will ultimately resign or simply drift away. Bill had this experience in the first group he joined. One member in the group was extremely uncomfortable discussing anything personal, so he always took the discussion to the intellectual level. When his turn came, he frequently made jokes to cover his discomfort and then changed the subject. Although the group stayed together for several years, its discussions never went beyond the superficial. It is important to gain agreement at a group’s outset that its purpose is to share personal issues and that all prospective members must be willing to do so. In turn, this agreement must be enforced during group discussions.